


Must Have Been The Wind

by ZozeeWrites



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), alec benjamin - Fandom
Genre: Abuse, Alec Benjamin, Healing, M/M, Song Lyrics, Song fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21748822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZozeeWrites/pseuds/ZozeeWrites
Summary: Phil is successful Youtuber, recently moved into a London flat. His life is forever changed when he overhears the screams and fighting coming from the flat directly above his own. He meets Dan, a broken boy, in need of a friend.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Original Male Character(s), Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 22
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for choosing to read this fic. This is my first chaptered fic in a while and I am really trying to push myself so I am super excited to share this with you! Of course none of this would be possible without my AMAZING beta, Aly (@cozydnp on tumblr)!!! She has been there for me through thcik and thin and I am so excited to share this fic with her!

“Thanks for watching, and I will see you in the next video!” Phil signs off and shuts off the camera. 

He glances over at the time on his phone and realizes he has been filming for two hours and that it’s now midnight. He didn’t expect the personality quiz to take that long... 

He yawns and stretches his arms above his head, hobbling slowly over to the boxes on the floor and pulling out a comfy shirt and pyjama pants. He really needs to buy a dresser for his bedroom. 

Phil has only recently moved to Manchester. He’s wanted a new start after university, a place to hopefully grow his youtube channel and make new friends. Of course he has been hiding in his flat for the past week just looking for furniture online, but so far all he has is a bed with a blue and green duvet in his bedroom, a dinner table with two plastic chairs, and an old couch left by the past owners in the living room. 

He’s glad he has the bed at least because he is exhausted. He slips into his bedsheets, takes out his phone and scrolls through twitter until he eventually falls asleep an hour later. 

***

_ CRASH _

The sound of shattered glass wakes Phil up immediately. And then he hears incoherent yelling, and then the slamming of a door. 

This wasn’t the first time he has heard yelling coming from his upstairs neighbor, but this was the first time he has heard anything like this. 

He immediately assumes there is some sort of fight happening and that there is a girl up there being hurt. He doesn’t want to think it, but he does. He can’t help it but think the worst of what he just heard. 

He tries to shut the thought out and go back to sleep once his room is silent again. 

But he just can’t stop imagining a helpless girl crying upstairs. He knows it’s none of his business but just the thought makes him get out of bed and slip on a hoodie. 

He closes the door behind him. He walks with purpose, through the hallway, until he reaches the elevator. Only when he steps into the elevator and into a muddy puddle, that he realizes he never put shoes on.

***

His mind is racing because he realizes that he has no idea what he is about to do. What if the guy opens the door? What if he tries to fight him? He’s gonna die in emoji pajamas. Or what if the girl opens the door? What will he even say without sounding crazy?

For a second he thinks of going back to his flat, but something in him stops him. He steps out of the elevator and finds the flat that would be right above his own. 

He hesitates. This is crazy right? It’s the middle of the night. But something is compelling him regardless and so he feels unusually emboldened.

He takes two quick breaths and knocks softly on the door. 

He waits a minute and he hears quiet shuffling happening inside, until the door finally opens. 

A man, probably the same height as Phil opens the door. Phil stares blankly at the man, who is wearing a black turtleneck up to his chin and has tousled curly brown hair. 

“Hey I just came up here to check if everyone is okay? I heard a loud noise, I live in the flat below.” He tries not to make it sound too accusatory but he is looking behind the man, to see if there is a girl in danger behind him. 

The man across from him looks alarmed that someone had heard what went down that night. 

“Oh uh, sorry. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t hear anything.” The man says in a hushed tone. His voice wavers slightly. Phil looks back at the man and only then does he realize the tear stains on his cheeks. 

Oh. 

He drops his voice to a hush as well. 

“I’m Phil by the way, I just moved in and I couldn’t help but think something had happened up here. You’re sure you are okay?”

The brown haired boy’s expression quickly changes to a fake happy. 

“Oh! I didn’t know that Faith and Marianne has moved out. Well I’m Dan! Nice to meet you, and I really am sorry that I can’t tell you what made that noise.” He smiles weakly, and Phil is suspicious but decides not to press any further. “Your ears must be playing tricks on you, it must have been the wind.” He laughs quietly. 

“Oh. As long as everything is okay, it’s none of my business anyways but I am just a concerned—” Phil stops talking when he hears a grumbled voice coming from inside the flat. The boy, Dan, glances back warily but looks back to Phil with a smile,

“I have to head back in but it was lovely meeting you Phil. Enjoy the rest of your night!”

Phil nods and says goodnight. Dan quietly closes the door and Phil waits outside as he listens to Dan’s footsteps walking back through their flat. 

Phil sighs but retreats back downstairs to his flat.

***

Phil doesn’t sleep that night. Everytime he closes his eyes, he sees the face of Dan with a broken smile. He can’t stop thinking about what happens right above his bed every night. 

He has always had a problem with intrusive thoughts but this is different. These thoughts raise his heart rate and bring tears to his eyes. He doesn’t even realize he is crying until he places a hand on a damp patch on his pillow. He doesn’t even bother to try and stop the tears. He tries to play music to help him sleep with no success. 

Finally he gives up and gets up to edit the video he’d filmed today, trying to get the thoughts out of his mind. If he can’t sleep he might as well be productive, right? 

***

The hours go by seamlessly while he edits. He closes the program just as the sun is rising. 

He stands up and brings his reluctant body to the kitchen. He downs two cups of coffee, hoping the caffeine will wake him up, and fast, because his phone reminder goes off to remind him that he has a meeting with a potential sponsor in one hour. 

Phil would rather have a lazy day today after the night he had, but this is a huge sponsor deal with instagram. He stares at his closet for probably two seconds too long, having no idea what to wear to a meeting with instagram but resorts to a blue button up short sleeve shirt with white stars.

He quickly styles his hair up into his ‘iconic’ quiff. He stares at himself in the mirror, comb in hand. The dark circles under his eyes that seem to have appeared out of nowhere really don’t give him a professional look. 

He puts the comb down and opens up the bathroom drawer, fishing through it for the concealer stick. He applies enough to hopefully cover up the dark circles. He practices smiling in the mirror, hoping that if he smiles it will make him look all the more presentable and not exhausted? 

The more he looks he realizes that the concealer seems to drown out his eyes so he reaches for the small tube of mascara in the drawer as well, and quickly applies that. Perfect, hopefully now he won’t look sad and tired. Even if that’s the truth.

Finally he slips on a pair of black Vans and shuts the door of his flat behind him. He rushes out to the Uber that had been waiting for him outside his building. 

**

Phil floats through the meeting with a smile, basically trying to sell himself to a giant corporation. He still has not gotten used to the odd exchange of him trying to convince them to give him money while they convince him to let them pay him. 

For the most part, he just smiles and nods, trying to understand the conditions of their partnership. His mind starts to wander after half an hour of financial talk. All of a sudden he wishes he was anywhere but here. He wishes he was curled up in bed watching Brooklyn Nine Nine. 

He knows the drill with sponsorship meetings by now and by the looks of the executives in the room, it seems like the meeting is finally wrapping up. They seem satisfied with what Phil wants and they are also getting what they want so it is a cleaner deal than some he has done. 

He gets up and shakes hands with the men and women in the room while thanking them for their support and that he looks forward to working with them.

To be completely honest Phil doesn’t even really think about what he is saying, he’s on autopilot throughout the whole interaction.

When he gets to the intern, Deb, she smiles and adds,

“Have you ever thought of someone to do this whole Youtube thing with? Just saying, it might be a bit more interesting to have someone to sit through these boring meetings with.” She winks and Phil thanks her for the suggestion and he exits the room, not giving her odd comment much thought.

He pulls out his phone to call an Uber right when he leaves the room. And because he is such a klutz, while looking at his phone, he runs into someone walking in the other direction. Their shoulders bump pretty hard because the other guy was walking quite fast. Phil spins around,

“Oh so sorry I-” He cuts himself short when he catches a glance at the side of the guy’s face. 

“Dan?” Was that? He could have sworn that those brown curls belonged to Dan, but the man turns around, looking at him quizzically, and it is indeed not Dan. It was all just in his head again.

***

Phil’s not really sure why he can’t get the thought of Dan out of his head. He really just met the guy yesterday, and not under the best circumstances. But that night he is laying in bed trying to sleep when all of a sudden he hears yelling coming from above him. He hears stomping and then finally, broken glass again. Phil tries to pull a pillow over his head to quiet the noise but his heart is pounding.

All of sudden he can hear the sound of sweeping as well as weeping. The sounds are slow and steady but also rushed, if that makes any sense. 

So he lays there, listening to the sound of the swaying broom above him. He stares at the roof, knowing well that he doesn’t know all the facts. It would be wrong for him to intrude, he has no place in his neighbors personal lives.

And so he just listens until he slowly falls asleep, with bad thoughts on his mind.

***

This happens for the next three nights. Phil stays home editing and goes to a few meetings during the day. But at night he blares music loud enough so he can’t hear the loud noises and the shouting. But when it’s time for him to lay down and sleep, he always seems to find peace with hearing Dan sweeping upstairs, because that means he is okay. Well, not okay but alive and present. 

But on the fourth night, there is no shouting or broken glass. He hears hushed voices and normal noises. He expects to hear the loud thunderous voice that usually shakes him from his sleep, but instead he hears nothing except the bird chirping outside his window. 

Finally, Phil gets some sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning he realizes how awake he is. He hasn’t felt this well rested in a few days so he decides to go take a walk outside to enjoy his sudden burst of energy. 

Phil isn’t one for too much of the outdoors but when it comes to dog parks, Phil loves visiting. 

He even has a friend, Cathy. He meets up with her once and while because she always brings her labradoodle, Tobi, the park everyday at 10am. Cathy is a sweet 56 year old. She always has so many stories to tell Phil and advice to give. He definitely thinks today is a good day to pay her a visit.

He grabs a bag of dog treats he keeps stowed away for these exact occasions and leaves the flat. 

***

“— she wants us to go visit sometime, she says it’s been way too long since we’ve gone back home.”

Phil is walking out the door of the apartment lobby when he spins around to the voice he has been imagining in his head for the last few days. Exiting the elevator is Dan with, who he must assume is, his partner. 

This is the first time Phil had even seen the owner of the booming yells. The man beside Dan has short blonde hair and is about the same height as Dan. 

The other guy shrugs and murmurs something Phil can’t hear. Phil goes to leave but he accidentally makes eye contact with Dan. 

“Oh! Phil! Funny seeing you here, well not really since you do live here but like funny seeing you-” Dan cuts himself off when he realizes his boyfriend is staring at him with a little too much question which makes Phil all the more uncomfortable. 

“Dan honey, who’s this?” His voice is smooth like peanut butter, Phil notes. 

“Oh right you two have never met, um Cory this is Phil, and Phil this is Cory. He motions in between the two of them. Phil smiles and nods. 

“Nice to meet you Cory, I just moved in below your apartment two weeks ago.” He glances at the floor and then back up at the couple in front of him. 

Cory nods and looks back at Dan without saying anything to Phil.

“And how do you know Phil?” 

Phil stares at the interaction between the two. At the question Dan slinks back into himself and makes himself look small compared to Cory. But Dan also keeps a certain level of composure. His voice is stable and practiced. He doesn't show any level of nerves in front of this guy who Phil knows has made him cry. All Dan does is submit to Cory. 

“Oh Phil came by to introduce himself the other night. You must have been in the shower or something.” Dan smiles at Cory, and if Phil didn’t know the nature of their relationship, Phil would have said Dan is in love. 

Cory smiles back at the Dan and then directs his attention back to Phil. 

“That was really nice of you.” This is the first time Cory has spoken at Phil, but it doesn’t sound friendly. It almost sounds like a threat but he could just be imagining it. 

Phil shrugs and says,

“No problem at all, anyways I should be going out. It was lovely meeting you Cory and seeing you again.” His attention is back on Dan who he looks at with care as if to reach out a lifeline through the air. 

Dan’s eyes brightened since he last saw him but that sadness is still there. As if to deny the life line he shrugs and his eyes point back towards Cory as a signal to Phil. Phil isn’t quite sure what Dan means but he does know that the yelling from earlier in the week isn’t over. 

***

Phil plays with Tobi and the other dogs at the park until Tobi gets so tired that he collapses in the shadow of a tree. 

“You really do tire him out Phil.” Cathy laughs and places down a bowl of water for the tired dog. 

“Yeah I guess I could let him have a break here and there, but the other dogs were so cute! I couldn’t let them not play with Tobi.” Phil smiles and bends down to pet Tobi. 

“Why don’t we sit down and take a break then?” She motions to the bench that is conveniently placed a few steps from the tree. 

They both sit down and they sit for a few moments in silence just looking out to the park. The silence gives Phil a chance to decide how he wants to ask her for advice about Dan and Cory. 

“Hey Cathy? Could I ask for some advice, something has been bothering me for the last few nights.”

“Of course Phil, now what has been bothering you that you need wise words from an old woman like me?” She smiles fondly at Phil. 

“You’re not an old woman but yeah I need some wise words. Anyways, there’s this guy.” 

Cathy looks at him knowingly.

“No! Not like that, he has a uh- partner.” Phil can feel the heat rising to his face. “And that is kind of the issue. They live above me and well, I’ve heard things.” Phil treads lightly on the topic. 

“What kind of ‘things’ now?” She smirks and Phil realizes that he really doesn’t know how to speak. 

“Get your head out of the gutter Cathy. No like bad things. I’ve heard so much yelling, slamming of doors and glass being shattered. I even went up to see if everyone was okay, and this guy opened the door. Dan, that’s his name. But he looked so hurt and sad. It was the same every night for like a week. What should I do, I feel like it’s not my business.” He doesn’t mention that he can’t stop thinking about Dan. 

“Oh sweetie, that’s a lot.” She reaches to rub Phil on the back. “There’s something I should tell you that might help.” She takes a deep breath. Her face is solemn and serious, the usual happy go lucky Cathy has taken a break. 

“When I was around your age I had a boyfriend, as one does. His name was Peter. Peter was such a sweet boy at the time. We met at a poetry cafe. He went up and spoke about a pretty girl with flowers in her hair. Turns out he had seen me at that cafe before, and became infatuated with me and wrote that poem. I thought it was so sweet and I fell in love with him that night.” Her eyes aren’t full of love though, her eyes are focused on the ground as if concentrating hard to recount the whole story properly. 

“And everything was grand for a while. He would tell me how pretty I was each day. He would buy me flowers and later more expensive jewelry. I thought I had scored the jackpot with him. He was perfect for me. But then he went bankrupt. Yes, bankrupt at 30. He had lost all his investments and honestly I don’t know the details of everything because he never really told me. But that was when everything shifted. That was when I lost my poetic Peter and was met with a broken Peter.” She looks over at Phil, and only then does he realize that she had started to cry ever so slightly. 

“I didn’t even realize how bad he was getting. I was so blinded by my love for him, I hadn’t realized that the boy I fell in love with was gone. It was slow but everyone around me noticed the change. He was never home, he was always meeting up with his friends at the bars. I didn’t see anything wrong with him having a social life until one night he came home so drunk that he collapsed on the couch when walked through the door. It happened every night for a week. And finally when I brought it up that he should take a break, he blew up at me. He called me names and told me that I had no place in telling him what to do. That was truly the first time I had ever been afraid of Peter.

“The drinking didn’t stop, the late nights didn’t stop. I grew miserable at home but there wasn’t much I could do because everytime I even mentioned it he would yell at me. I started doing more and more on my own. I went and got a job at the local grocery store to help with rent and I started going out with my friends more, since Peter was never home. I joined clubs and exercise groups just to get out of the house that was beginning to feel less and less like home.

“One night I came home from a dinner with some work friends, and there was Peter waiting for me on the front porch of our house. I went up to him to give him a quick kiss, because it was nice to see him home at a reasonable time. But instead of returning the kiss he opened the door to the house and yelled at me to go inside. I had no idea what was happening. He slammed the door behind us and pushed me into the living room when I tried to nicely ask what was wrong. He- he had never gotten physical when he was upset. I was shocked and I tried so hard not to cry. He was yelling at me for not being home and started to accuse me of all sorts of things. He wasn’t making any sense but I knew better than to argue. I just stood there taking the hits. Finally after what seemed like years of lecture he told me to go to sleep, so I did. The next morning I found that he had packed up all his things and left.

“I didn’t know what I did wrong. I wanted desperately to get him back. I didn’t know what had changed and I didn’t even realize that being with him was unhealthy. So I searched for him and eventually later that week he moved back in. Things went back to normal, well not normal. This time I didn’t go out of the house except for work. Eventually I ended up quitting my job because Peter wanted me at home to do house chores. I did everything for him. I was so in love with him even though deep down I knew that none of this was right. I wanted to be loved so bad that I did whatever it took to please him. 

“We were together for another year, I didn’t have any friends. I just stayed at home waiting for him to come home late and for me to take care of him when he would throw up and pass out on the couch. I lived for him. I don’t know what I was thinking. 

“He started leaving me at home for weeks on end because he had ‘business trips’ to attend. It was during one of those trips that I met someone else. That was when I met Dean. We were just friends at first. I met him at an ASDA down the street from my house. He was always just there for me to talk to. He never asked questions about Peter, he was just a good friend. Until one day, it was the day after a huge fight with Peter. Peter had just threatened to leave again with not much reason. He was yelling and slamming doors all because I forgot to make dinner in time for him to come home. Peter claimed I didn’t love him and that’s what ruined me. I went to bed crying while Peter went out once again. But the next day I got to the grocery story and Dean must have noticed I looked especially tired. He noticed that I had a bruise on my left arm but he never asked a thing. But I couldn’t keep the secret any longer. I broke down right there in the eggs aisle. I told him everything and then he helped me out of the shop and invited me back to his place for coffee. He was there for me when no one else was. If he hadn’t been there at the ASDA that day I don’t know where I would be. But after that day I started to see Dean more and more, and we became more than just friends. Peter would yell at me night after night, saying I was out of the house too much. I wasn’t having any of it. Dean showed me what real love was. He showed me that what Peter was doing to me was not out of love but out of hate and anger. Dean was a light where Peter was darkness. And finally I mustered up the courage to move out of Peter’s house and in with Dean. Peter threatened to kill himself when I packed my bags. He called me horrible names and swore that he loved me. But Dean was right outside waiting for me. He was there to save me from my own personal hell. He got me out of that place and brought me into his life of love and peace. Dean is the love of my life and I wish I would have known sooner.” She takes a deep breath, and Phil hasn’t said a word but he knows that she is aware that he is listening to every single word.

“Oh Phil, I haven’t told anyone this story, I’ve always been too embarrassed. But what I really want to say about all of this is; be kind to this Dan. Give him a place to talk even if he doesn’t want to. If the space is there, he will eventually feel comfortable to talk to you about it. Just be there even if you don’t know his life story. Be a good friend because that’s what he needs. He needs to see what real love is, he needs to know that there is a better way to love and at last, a better way to live.” She wipes away the tears that have been falling down her face. 

Phil is still shocked by the story. Cathy always loves to tell stories but nothing like this. This was so, raw and real. He even feels himself begin to tear up.

He pulls her into a hug and whispers,

“Thank you.”

She looks into Phil’s eyes and says with a smile,

“You are such a good person Phil, never forget that. Now let’s stop crying before someone thinks we have gone crazy.” She laughs and that makes Phil laugh. 

Phil thinks about what Cathy just told him. He knows he has to be there for Dan, he wants to show Dan the better way of living, he’s just not sure how. Hopefully he can figure it out soon before anything bad happens, because the thought of Dan being hurt again shakes Phil’s entire core. 


	3. Chapter 3

When Phil gets home after his visit at the park. He changes into some loungewear and decides to get himself an early dinner. He really doesn’t want to cook, so he picks up the phone to order Indian takeaway. 

After dealing with the very important business of food he jumps onto the couch to post a cute picture of a corgi he saw at the park. His fans live for the dog content since he can’t get one in his flat. 

He watches the replies flow in and waits a few minutes to reply to any of them. 

Of course most of them are speculating why he was at the dog park and who with. He hasn’t told them about Cathy because even though the majority of his fans are the sweetest people in the world, he would never want to put any sort of pressure on her. So he just has to accept the usual comments about his personal life. 

_ philseyebrow:  _ dog park dates? who’s the lucky guy?

Underneath the comment are just replies about leaving Phil alone, which he thinks is sweet and makes him smile. 

Phil is totally out to his fans and has never really hidden it. He loves being able to relate to his fans who are also queer but also for them to be able to relate to him. The amount of pride flags he signs at Vidcon every year never grows old. 

So he decides to respond, he likes the username! 

_ AmazingPhil:  _ His name is Tobi! Truly the love of my life, I just wanted to bring him home! 

He inserts a dog emoji at the end and tweets it. He’s about to keep scrolling when he hears a knock at the door.

Wow, the food got here quickly? He checks the clock and sees that it’s only been 20 minutes.. He shrugs and gets up to get the door, his stomach grumbling. 

He opens the door and his stomach drops. 

***

“Dan? What-” Phil is looking Dan up and down. He looks really rough. Like really rough. Compared to when he last saw him that morning, he looks like he had just been hit by a bus, or worse. 

Dan doesn’t say anything. His eyes are wide almost like he knocked without thinking about what would happen if Phil opened the door. 

“Wanna come in Dan? I can make us some tea, make yourself at home.” Phil opens his body to the rest of the flat. 

Dan nods and slowly walks into the flat. Phil guides Dan to the sitting room around the corner. 

“I’ll be right back okay? I’m going to get some tea, I’m assuming earl grey is good?” Dan just nods as he sits down on the couch. 

Phil quickly sets the kettle and goes into the pantry to find some snacks because Dan looks like he hasn’t eaten in a few days. While he spreads jam onto some fresh scones he got from Cathy, he tries to reach back into his memory and remember what Dan had looked like this morning. He really can’t recall Dan having any sign of fatigue or hurt on his face. He actually looked almost happy that morning. 

He makes a tea pot up and carries the pot and the plate of scones out into the sitting room. He finds Dan standing up and looking at the few things he has hung up around the sitting room. His silver and gold play buttons (which he really needs to find a less arrogant place to put them) and a picture of him with Martyn and Cornelia in Florida last year. 

Phil sets down the tea and scones and walks over to Dan. He sees Dan eyeing the photo absently, not really noticing Phil’s return.

“That’s my brother and his girlfriend.” Phil points to the picture. 

“Oh.” Dan says oh so softly. “She’s pretty.”

Phil’s head turns to him after he speaks. It’s the first few words Dan has spoken all night. 

“She is, Martyn is a lucky guy.” Phil tries to attempt a laugh but it comes out weak. Dan isn’t really paying attention and it’s clearly because there’s something else on his mind. “Let’s go sit down okay?” 

They both make their way to the couch and Phil offers Dan a mug and pours some tea. 

Phil struggles to think of what to say. 

“So… Dan? I don’t want to ask too many questions but why are you here?”

Dan stares at his tea and takes a slow sip. 

“I- I just wanted to talk.”

Phil doesn’t want to make Dan uncomfortable, but he also wants to make Dan feel like he can talk to him. 

“Okay, well let’s talk. You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to but I’m here to listen.”

Dan nods and they stay in silence for a few moments. 

All of a sudden there is a sound from the floor above. The sound is relatively quiet, nothing like Phil is used to hearing. Instead it sounds like footsteps and the closing of a door. 

Dan flinches at the sound and practically jumps off of the couch. 

“M-Maybe this was a bad idea. I shouldn’t be here, I should be in my flat, not intruding in your life. I’m sorry, I really am, I’ll be going now. Thank you so much for the tea it was so sweet of-“

Phil is on his feet and he reaches a hand out to Dan, but he flinches away. Dan looks down at the hand confused, but reluctantly takes Phil’s hand. 

“Dan you’re not intruding. I can get lonely too. You should stay. You haven’t even had a scone.” He smiles and Dan attempts to smile back and follows Phil back into the sitting room. 

The second Dan sits down on the couch he starts to cry. Phil just watches as the boy in front of him falls apart. They are sat really close on the couch so Phil slides even closer and pulls Dan into a hug. Dan is reluctant but he seems almost too tired to care, and falls into Phil.

“It’s going to be okay Dan, I’m here now. I’m here.” Phil sighs and holds Dan. It’s a little awkward due to their heights but it’s okay. Dan drops his heads into the space between Phil’s neck and shoulder. Phil slowly brings his arm up to rub Dan on the back. 

Dan flinches when Phil touches his neck by accident and pulls away from the hug. 

“I’m so sorry Phil for being such a mess, I hardly even know you.” He rubs the tears off of his face. 

“Stop that Dan. Stop saying sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong except come and visit a friend.” Phil looks at Dan seriously.

“Friend? But we- we just met.” 

“That may be true but yes, you’re my  _ friend _ .” 

“I guess I just never thought I would be sitting here crying in your flat. I don’t even know why I came here.. I just-” His voice cuts off. 

“Wanted to get away? I know the feeling. And I don’t know your situation or how you feel, but I do know the feeling of wanting to get away from something. So we don’t have to talk about it. You can get away for a little while..” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, have you ever played Mario Kart?” He smiles and is happy to see Dan’s eyes light up ever so slightly. 

“Who hasn’t? I used to play all the time until…” 

Dan’s voice trails but Phil cuts his thought off.

“Nope we aren’t talking about that, we are going to talk about how badly you’re going to lose to me.”

Dan’s face practically morphs into a completely different one. This one is excited, one step closer to  _ happy,  _ this one is not afraid. 

“I didn’t mention that I’m undefeated.” He smiles at Phil, which makes Phil feel relieved and also gives him a feeling that he can’t quite name, but it’s a good feeling. No, a great feeling. A _ Dan-smile _ feeling. 

He hops off the couch and turns on the Switch and hands Dan a joycon. 

“Well not for long!” They smile at each other and direct their attention to the screen. 

***

“Oh come on Phil! A blue shell? I was in first the whole time!” Dan groans as he passes the finish line, but Phil smiles with mischief. 

“After four games you finally don’t come in first. But look at that I got sixth again! I should be the one complaining.”

“Well that’s just because you suck.” Dan says, deadpan. 

“Your mum sucks.” Phil shoots back, but immediately wants to take it back. 

“Oh and you would know?” Dan smirks and they both burst into a fit of laughter. 

When they both calm down and Dan starts to set up the next game, Phil observes the boy across the couch from him. 

It didn’t take long for them to click. It didn’t take long for Dan to let down his walls and have fun. Phil is filled with wonder when he looks at the boy, but also he is filled with sadness because he wishes that Dan would be this happy all the time. Because that  _ Dan-smile _ deserves to be seen, all the time.

And well, Dan deserves to be seen and happy too. 

Dan turns to Phil, and waves his hand in front of Phil, taking him out of his mind and back to reality. 

“Phil? You okay? Am I boring you by winning all the time? We can pick a new game-” Before Dan can finish his thought the doorbell rings and Phil can feel Dan’s whole body freeze. (Only now has he realized how close they were sitting on the couch.) Dan stares back at Phil, not moving a muscle. His smile fades and that breaks Phil’s heart a little. 

“I-I’ll get that, stay here okay?” Phil’s voice is soft and careful. 

He gets up and makes his way to the door. He slowly opens it with so much caution. He inhales, expecting to be met with a certain very angry boyfriend, but is instead through the crack of the door he is faced with a teenager in a brown uniform, and the smell of curry radiating from the bag that he was holding. 

_ Oh right, the Indian takeaway _ … He opens the door and quickly makes the transaction, then brings the cartons and places them on the kitchen counter. 

Dan peeks his head around the corner and into the kitchen. Phil smiles to hopefully calm the obvious tension in the room. 

“Silly me, I forgot I ordered takeaway! Um, I think I may have ordered a tad too much for myself.. Care to join me? That is, if you’re hungry?” Phil motions to the counter behind him and the two empty chairs as well. 

“Oh. Um, I really don’t want to intrude, I’ve already interrupted your night enough. I should probably be, you know, heading back. Thanks for the uh, games?” He awkwardly starts to walk towards the front door of the flat. 

Phil realizes he doesn’t want Dan to leave. He wants a few more moments with the boy, and without the sounds that usually came from above at this time of night. 

“Wait,” Phil reaches out, about to grab Dan by the wrist, but Dan retreats his forearm too quickly. Phil realizes his mistake and chooses to respect Dan’s action and move on. 

“Don’t go, not yet.” His eyes drop to the floor, “I mean, unless you want to. But I do want to get to know you Dan.”

Dan’s eyes go wide, with wonder. 

“Really?” The words come out as an almost whisper. 

Phil’s heart breaks one more time. 

“Yes.” And he smiles, and the reaction he gets from such a small action makes the whole night worth it. 

Dan’s mouth curves up into a smile, unconfident and his eyes are filled with sadness but also a glint of hope. 

Phil doesn’t want to let that glint disappear. He never wants that  _ Dan-smile  _ to slide off of his face. 

The moment fades but it never turns awkward . He could imagine that the image of two tall lanky boys could look awkward, but for some reason.. It just feels  _ right.  _

“Naan bread?” Phil motions towards the now cooling bags of takeaway. 

***

“You were at the same Muse concert? No. Freaking. Way.” Dan leaves room for a dramatic pause between each word. They’ve only been chatting for fifteen minutes over butter chicken and tikka masala, but Dan has already begun to relax which in turn helps Phil relax about the whole situation. 

“That’s insane, maybe we were sitting right beside each other and we didn’t even know.” Phil likes that thought, maybe they were meant to meet back then, but because the universe wasn’t ready for that, they are meeting now. 

“Sadly that is not possible because I remember I had an aisle seat and I was sitting beside this old lady and she was probably the most fun elderly woman I have ever met! She was right there singing and bouncing along to Uprising, truly unforgettable.” He sighs and scoops up more chicken onto his plate. 

“That’s one heck of a memory you have, I can’t even remember what I had for dinner last night!” Phil laughs and Dan lets out a small  _ hmph _ , smiling fondly. 

“I guess I try and remember the good times as much as I can.” He focuses his eyes back to his plate, silence overcoming him. It saddens Phil immediately so he tries to think of something to say to cheer him up. 

“Well, an elephant never forgets!” He blurts, his cheeks reddening immediately after he realizes that what he said made zero sense and could totally be taken the wrong way. 

But there was no need to worry because Dan lets out the biggest cackle. 

“You think I’m an elephant Phil? I mean after all this takeaway I may start to resemble one…” He playfully shoves Phil, smiling and just like that, happy Dan is back. The reddening on Phil’s cheeks doesn’t stop, there’s no way Dan didn’t notice. He just smiles and reaches for the spoon to plop more chicken onto his plate. But Dan reaches out and grabs his arm softly. Phil freezes from the sudden contact.

“I-I guess I am the elephant in the room though.” His eyes boroughing into Phil’s, a mixed look of fear and trust crosses Dan’s face. He drops Phil’s arm. Phil looks back at him, intently.

“What do you mean?” Phil asks although he already knows the answer. He is trying to tread this subject with care without ruining a perfectly fun evening. 

“I just, I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it. But I will say that what you think about what happened, is most likely true. I just don’t think I want to put it into words because then it’s kind of like I’m admitting it’s real and I’m not ready for what comes with that you know?” He wipes his cheek, “Wow now I’m crying again, get a grip Howell.” He shakes his head and turns away from Phil.

“No, it’s okay Dan. You don’t have to say anything until your one hundred percent ready. Plus, crying is good, you’ve been through so much, you deserve to cry.” 

A moment passes while Dan lets out a few sobs.

“He always tells me that crying makes me weak.” He sniffles, not looking back up at Phil.

Phil doesn’t know what to say, so he stays silent. He can tell Dan has more to say.

“I don’t cry in front of him b-because I don’t want him to think I’m w-weak. I want him to think I’m strong. Maybe then he wouldn’t… maybe he-” But just then Dan completely unravels. His whole body falls down onto the table. Luckily, Phil pushes Dan’s plate out of the way. Dan is bawling. 

“I’m so fucking weak, I don’t deserve any of this. I don’t deserve this food, or this night. I deserve to be upstairs with my boyfriend.” His body pauses and he looks back up at Phil. 

“What the fuck am I even doing here? I’m such a cheating liar just like he says. I-I have a boyfriend. He needs me at home. That’s where I should be.” His voice is raised, which is scaring Phil. 

“Dan?” Phil’s voice is soft, almost a whisper. He tries so hard not to cry, from sadness or fear? He’s not entirely sure. What he is sure of is that he can’t handle seeing Dan like this. 

He reaches out to put a hand on Dan’s back, but he jumps up and the look that Dan gives Phil is one he has not encountered yet. It is a look filled with anger.

“What the actual fuck Phil? What are you even doing? I. Have. A. Boyfriend. Get the fuck away from me.” Phil is stunned. He retreats back, his eyes searching for the Dan he had been with all night.

“I-I just-... I thought we could be friends.” He knows his voice is weak, but he tries not to let Dan break him.

“You’ll never understand Phil. You just won’t. I’m going home.” Dan’s voice is tired but still filled with anger.

Dan gets up and Phil is too beaten down to say anything as he hears the door slam shut. 

He doesn’t clean up for a while, he just sits and stares at the seat where the other boy had just been.

Eventually, he does clean up. But he washes the dishes to the sound of yelling and slamming of doors.

When he goes to bed, he cries along with the sobs he hears not too far above him. hey 


	4. Chapter 4

Phil wakes up to his phone ringing on his bedside table. He initially just wants to ignore it but when the ringing doesn’t subside, he chooses to check who it is. 

He is grateful to see it’s his mum’s face that appears on the screen. He clicks the green button and puts the phone to his ear,

“Hello?” Phil asks, his voice still low and hushed. 

“Hello darling, how are you?” Her voice is smooth and he already feels a little better. 

“I’m good mum, you woke me up though.” 

“What? Phil it’s 1 o’clock!” 

Phil is surprised by this and glances over at his clock that reads 1:26. Dang, he really overslept.

“Oh, yeah I was up late.”

“Philip, we’ve gone over this, you don’t have to edit all night. Your computer isn’t going anywhere, and I still think that you could just hire someone since you’ve been so stressed, with the move and everything.” Her voice is filled with concern. 

“I know mum, I wasn’t actually editing, I uh- had a friend over.” He really doesn’t want to elaborate but he can already sense the incoming questions. 

“Oh! Well that’s wonderful! I’m glad you’re making friends out there! Oh wait, or was it like more than a friend?” Phil can hear her sly smile through the phone, and he can feel a bit of heat rise to his cheeks. 

“No! He was just a uh- friend. It’s complicated.”

“Well you know that I just want you to be happy Phil. Speaking of, I was wondering if you wanted to come out to the Isle of Man for a little while? A mother misses her son. That is, of course, when you’re not busy.”

Phil does always love going out to see his parents, he always goes back for Christmas but he wouldn’t mind going now, in the summer. He also knows his schedule isn’t too busy right now. 

“Actually, that sounds like a great idea. I think I’ll have to check my schedule but I’ll try and make it out sometime this month, okay?” 

“Okay! Well I’ll let you get on with your day then! I love you.” 

“Love you too mum.” He hangs up the phone and hops out of bed. 

***  
When Phil walks out into the living room, everything from the night before comes back to him. The laughing on the couch, and the yelling by the dining table. 

He makes himself a coffee and then sits himself down on the couch. He turns on the TV, which was still set up for the switch, and then changes over to Netflix. He picks the recent anime he’d been watching, and lets himself lose himself in a different universe. 

***  
After a few episodes, Phil decides to scroll through Twitter for a while. He checks his mentions, he likes and retweets a bunch of fan art. 

It’s what he does when he’s feeling stressed, his fans are so talented and he appreciates every single one of them. He’s never had a problem with invasive fans like some of his other Youtube friends. 

As he’s scrolling, he comes across a comment on his tweet from today. 

Thank you and I’m sorry. 

He almost misses it and scrolls past until he sees the account. 

@danielhowell

He doesn’t want to assume. It could be someone different. But the comment was so out of the ordinary, since the tweet was about the anime he had been watching. 

He can’t help but wonder if that was him. He decides to click on the account, and when he does he finds that the account had been made so recently, that there were no tweets or retweets except for th one comment. 

It must be, it makes sense. But what is Phil supposed to do with that? Does he like the comment, or even reply? 

After staring at the comment for probably a minute too long, he throws his phone onto the couch. He decides the whole thing is not worth the stress. 

So instead he gets up and decides to take a shower.

***  
He stands in the shower, and only then do the feelings from last night really start to flow. 

He feels so alone and lost. He has no idea what he’s even doing. Why is he getting himself involved in someone else’s business? Dan is right, he doesn’t really know anything about Dan. Why can’t he just let Dan go, why can’t he move on? 

He knows his Mum would tell him that his heart was just too big for his own good. That’s what she would tell him when he would take the blame for someone in primary school, or when he would save up all his money to buy his friends christmas gifts instead of buying lunch in uni. 

But this is different. This feels like it’s eating him up from the inside. It feels like a mixture of guilt and obligation, yet he has no idea why he even feels this way. 

Dan is just a stranger, a neighbour at most. 

So why can’t he help himself from getting out of the shower to respond to the comment that was left open on his phone?

***  
“<3”

That is what Phil quickly types before he can regret anything. Only after a few minutes, there are more comments underneath that begin to appear. And that’s when he realizes the connotation that could have been implied with that reply. 

He watches silently as people start to speculate who this random account is. He can already imagine the screenshots and theories that are being posted on Tumblr this very second. 

It’s not the first time that they’ve gone into speculation mode. Most of the time he’s flattered by it, because it was always in good fun. 

But this time is different, he doesn’t want anyone else knowing about Dan. And not in a mean-spirited way, he just doesn’t want anyone prying more than they sure and finding out the truth about Dan and his situation. 

Phil feels stuck. He could delete the comment, but then that would just look even more suspicious. He could tell his fans to stop and make up some lie, and his fans would most likely listen. But before Phil can go into full panic mode, he finds himself simply closing the app.

He finds his Mum’s phone number and sends a quick message,

I can be up North next weekend. Love you. 

He then opens up a group chat with Martyn and Cornelia, he sends them a message too. 

Free tonight? Wanna go see a film? 

***  
After some deliberation over text, they decide to go see a new indie film at a small theatre. They also decide to meet up for some drinks before hand at a nearby bar, Leon’s. 

Phil knows he’s just avoiding every little stress in his life, but that’s all he can think to do right now. It’s not like he could really talk to Dan, he knows that that is out of the cards for now. And he doesn’t really know what to say to his fans, he figures if he lets it go, it’ll eventually fizzle out like it always does. 

His brother knows him better than anyone, because when Phil sits down beside them at a table, the first thing that he asks is,

“So what’s wrong?” 

This causes Cornelia to nudge Martyn, and quickly add,

“I think he meant to say hello, right?” She glares at him and then smiles back at Phil. 

Phil smiles but doesn’t even bother to lie. 

“He’s right—“

This causes Martyn to smile and nudge back at Cornelia. 

“See I told you, he never texts us to make plans unless he’s running away from something.” For another pair of siblings, this may seem mean, but for Phil and Martyn this was just the usual banter that happens between the two of them. 

Although Cornelia has been with Martyn for four years, she still can’t stand it. 

“Now now, that was not what he meant Phil. He just meant that you seemed a little off.” She is really trying hard to diffuse the situation. 

“Don’t be putting words into my mouth Corn.” He nudges her again but still with a huge grin on his face. 

This makes Phil smile too. This is his normal. This is what he wanted when he messaged them earlier. 

“So Phil, after you said I was right I think you were going to explain what’s got you so, down.” His brother’s face now turned more serious. 

“Oh.. Well, it’s kind of a long story but—”

And then a server appears, they order a round of drinks and a flatbread. 

“Okay, so for the hundredth time, Phil, what’s up?” 

And before he knows it, he’s telling them all about the night that he went up to see Dan, and then last night when he came over and then left Phil, lost. And he finishes off with the Twitter comments and his stupid heart. 

Martyn and Cornelia exchange a look of sadness, after Phil finishes the recount. 

“Oh wow Phil, that’s— a lot.” Martyn finally says after a moment of silence. They all take a sip of their drinks before continuing any sort of conversation. 

“Yeah, so now I’m doing as you said, running away because I have no idea what to do.” He looks down at the table. 

“Hey Phil? Chin up. Listen to me okay?” Martyn’s voice is steady and calm. Phil lifts his face to look at the two people sitting across from him that care about him. 

“At this point there’s not much you can do. The most you can do is plan what to do next because in this moment I don’t think you’re quite ready to do something. So let’s just figure out what you should do next, what would be the next move you want to make? Let’s attack one problem at a time so, which one is either the easiest, or the more urgent?”

Phil is silent for a moment, he knew his brother would know just what to say and what to do. 

“I want to make sure Dan is safe, that’s probably the most urgent thing.” 

This time Cornelia speaks up as if her and Martyn are a team working together to help Phil. He’s always admired that about them. 

“Okay, well do you have a way of checking on him right now? Like a social media account or even phone number?”

“No, I never even got his number.” But then he remembers the tweet. “But I do know his Twitter. I guess I could check if he responded to me, or I could message him on there if I need to?” 

“That seems like a lovely idea.” Cornelia’s voice is smooth and it gives Phil the boost he needs to open up the app on his phone. 

He ignores the thousands of tweets to him about the mystery man and he goes right to the thread that held the replies from earlier. 

No response. 

Phil’s heart beats faster and there is probably a look of panic on his face, because Martyn reaches over the table and grabs the phone right out of his hand. 

“He didn’t say anything Martyn… Maybe he hasn’t seen it. Maybe he’s been at work? I don’t even know what he does for a living..” He mutters that last part quiet so only he can hear it. 

“Okay, so now we are going to message him. This is him right?” He flashes the screen at Phil, which is opened to Dan’s account. 

“Yes. Now can I have my phone back so I can message him?” 

“Nope, because I know that you’ll just find every excuse not to, and we need to know if he’s okay, not make assumptions as to why he might be okay.” 

“I will message him though! I don’t make excuses!” Phil cuts himself off because he realizes that once again Martyn is right, this is the only way anything will actually happen. 

Martyn types for a few seconds, shows it to Cornelia and then reads it out to Phil after she nods in agreeance. 

“Hi Dan, I understand if you don’t want to talk to me right now, but I just want you to let me know if you’re safe okay? I won’t bother you anymore, I just need to know that you’re safe so I can sleep well tonight, and hopefully we can talk at a later time. Goodnight Dan.”

Phil nods and Martyn presses the send button. 

“Okay, so now all you can do is hope he sees the message. It is out of your hands so why don’t we just try and enjoy our night out as much as we can okay?”

“Okay.” He smiles weakly, but he knows that this is best he can do for now and he just needs to accept that. 

“Another round?” Martyn asks. 

“Sounds great.” Phil smiles, as best he can, ready to enjoy his night. 

***  
When Phil returns back to his flat that night, he is ready to just climb into bed. He quickly gets changed and brushes his teeth. 

Simply by habit, he opens his Twitter as he lays under the sheets. That when he sees a little notification of a new message. Again by habit, he opens the message tab and there it is. A message from @danielhowell. He opens it. And the two symbols that appear are enough to reassure Phil. 

<3


	5. Chapter 5

Phil wakes up with his phone in his open palm. He must have fallen asleep right away after seeing Dan’s message. 

He feels lighter today. Like a small weight has been lifted, even though there is still quite a bit of weight there. 

He remembers what Martyn and Cornelia told him last night. He needs to take each problem one at a time. 

Now that he knows that Dan can contact him, and that he is safe for now, Phil knows he has to face the next thing, which is actually talking to him. 

Phil doesn’t know where to begin with that though. 

So instead he gets himself out of bed, makes his way to the kitchen and makes himself a coffee. He goes through emails for a little while, and then he goes to grab something to eat for breakfast. But then he realizes that he is all out of cereal and then when he checks the fridge, he is surprised to find only a bottle of Ribena and some sushi that must be a week old. 

He takes out the sushi and throws it into the trash bin, and decides that today he is going grocery shopping before he even begins to think of what to say to Dan. 

***  
After slipping on one of his new merch hoodies and making himself look a little more presentable, he locks the door behind him and heads downstairs. 

Phil prays silently that Dan or worse, Cory, don’t show up in the lobby while he walks to the exit. And his prayers are answered because he makes it on to the street without any sort of interactions. 

His flat is only a few blocks from a Tesco so he decides to walk. 

***  
He returns to his flat with four bags filled with enough groceries for the next month. 

He waits for the elevator and when the doors open, Dan’s face appears. 

Phil’s heart begins to beat even faster, he still doesn’t know what to say. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out because Dan puts a finger to his own lips, motioning for Phil to be quiet. Phil is confused only for a second because as Dan walks out of the elevator and past Phil, he sees Cory follow him from around the corner. 

Phil breath hitches at the sight of them together, but he can’t confront them both right now, so he listens to Dan and stays silent. He steps into the elevator and as the door closes, Phil could have sworn he saw Dan look back at him. 

***  
When Phil is finished putting away all his groceries and having a bowl of soup for lunch, he sits down at his laptop with Twitter open. 

His fans have stopped directly asking him who Dan was, but after only a few minutes of searching his indirect tweets, he finds that a majority of the fandom is still talking about who Dan could be and the nature of their relationship. 

He knows he should say something. He just isn’t sure what. 

He tries typing a variety of different tweets but none of them seem quite right. He wants to let his audience know what’s going on, but without revealing any information that could be a danger to Dan. 

So instead he decides to do a live show. He’s not quite sure if it’s the smartest idea, but he can’t quite think of what else to do. Plus, he doesn’t have any plans tonight so it gives him something to do. 

He types out a quick tweet announcing that the “surprise” live show will be in an hour. 

While he waits, he decides to write a quick list of things he can talk about. He hasn’t done a live show since he moved in so he can talk about him trying to adjust to the new flat. And as a little segment at the end, he decides to get his fans to help him choose some decorations and furniture for his flat, they’ve been asking to do that for a while since he moved in. 

He knows that there will be people that will ask about Dan and the heart symbol. He’s hoping to just either ignore them or if it necessary just say he doesn’t know who that is, and was just responding to a fan with a nice gesture. He hopes they’ll either believe him, or respect the fact that he’s keeping that information from them. 

***  
The hour passes and he is set up in front of his computer, logged on to YouNow. 

He presses the button to go live. 

He says hi to a bunch of the people joining, and he answers a few easy questions to begin like “how are you?” and “Have you finished the new season of Food Wars?”

He somehow finds his groove, and glides through half an hour of just banter with his fans. 

“Lisa says my background looks really bare.” He chuckles. 

“Why yes, although I’ve been living in this flat for a few weeks, I still haven’t gotten around to decorating. Which reminds me, I was going to get you all to help me with that!” He pulls his laptop from off camera. 

“So I want you guys to open a new tab and tweet me any ideas you have!” He opens Twitter and watches as the first entries begin to pop up. Of course a lot of them are just jokes, like a giant cheese statue and a body pillow with Haru from Free! on it. He makes sure to make little comments about all the different entries, his audience is loving this. 

He of course gets a ton of fake plants due to his branding as a house plant killer, which he scolds his audience for bringing up. 

All of a sudden he hears a knock at the door. 

His initial response is just to ignore it, he always does when he’s doing a live show. But this time Phil has a voice in the back of his head, telling him to answer the door in case it’s Dan. 

He looks up at the camera, trying to seem unfazed. 

“Sounds like someone is at the door! Give me a few minutes I just want to check it’s nothing important!” He smiles and quickly moves off camera. 

He makes his way to the door and when he opens the door to see Dan, just like a few nights ago, standing in his doorway, it takes him a few seconds to know how to react. 

“Hey,” Dan is the first to say something. 

“Hey, uh do you want to come in? I was kind of the middle of something but if you give me a few minutes I can wrap things up.” 

“Oh, I don’t want to bother you then if you’re busy.” Dan’s body turns as if to leave. 

“Dan, you’re not bothering me at all, I was just about to finish anyways.” This isn’t really true, he hasn’t chosen any decorations yet, but he knows that whatever Dan has to say is probably more important than some action figures or whatever. 

Dan enters the flat and whatever tension he was holding in his shoulders, seemed to dissipate. 

“Why don’t you just sit here on the couch and I’ll be back in no more than five minutes okay?” He motions to the couch not too far from the front door. 

Dan nods. 

Phil smiles and then turns towards his office. He sits down in front of the camera again while his mind races, trying to think of what to tell the viewers. 

“Hey guys! Sorry about that, but I’m going to have to go! Thanks to everyone for joining and keep tweeting me with decoration ideas! I think I’ll make an actual main channel video with them.”

The chat is filled with everyone asking why he has to go. Phil feels bad, he’s always been so transparent. He can’t just ignore them. 

“Sophie asks why I have to go? Well I uh-” Before he can say anything he hears the door behind him creak open, he spins to see Dan.

“I was just wondering if I could use the bathroom- oh!” Dan’s eyes open wide when he takes in the sight of Phil’s live show set up. 

Phil quickly glances back at the screen and yup, everyone can see Dan in the corner, right by the door. 

“Uh, sorry- I’ll just go.”

Phil can already imagine the flood of comments on the screen, he doesn’t even have to check. 

“Wait, Dan? Come say hi to the show.” Phil tries to smile even though his heart is beating so fast. Dan waves slightly in the direction of the camera, his face still stunned. 

“Well guys, this is my neighbour Dan. He just surprised me with a visit so that’s why I have to go! So sorry, but maybe he’ll uh- join me for a show sometime. But yeah, I gotta go! Bye!” He quickly presses the exit button. 

“Oh my god I’m so sorry Phil, I didn’t mean to interrupt your show. I’m so stupid I even saw your tweet, I shouldn’t have come-” 

It warms Phil’s heart to hear that Dan saw his tweet. 

“Dan stop. It’s okay. I really don’t mind, I just uh, might have to do some damage control later, but it’s really okay. Now why don’t you use the toilet while I get some tea for us?” 

“Okay, but uh, where’s your toilet?” A red patch appears on one of Dan’s cheeks and it reaches down his neck. Phil tries not to stare. 

“Oh right! It’s right down the hall from here to the end and on the right.” 

Dan ducks himself out of the room and finally Phil breathes. 

He makes his way to the kitchen and puts a kettle on the stove. 

He can’t even imagine what is happening online right now. He thought having to end a live show early would cause some sort of issue, but now that they have seen Dan, he really can’t control what they’ll be saying. 

He plans to take a selfie with Dan tonight for an Instagram story, playing a game or something, which would probably lead his fans to assume that he really is just a random neighbour. 

Phil isn’t quite sure why any of this is such a big deal to him. Normally, any weird theories online wouldn’t bother him. But again, with Dan it’s different. 

While Phil is pouring the hot water into a teapot, Dan appears from around the corner. 

He doesn’t say anything but he smiles and goes over to the living room couch. 

“Do you want any snacks while the tea steeps?” Phil asks. 

“No it’s okay, I just had food not too long ago.”

Phil is already opening his snack cupboard and pulling out a pack of microwaveable popcorn,

“To be honest I was just looking for an excuse to make some popcorn.” He laughs under his breath and shoved the bag into the microwave. 

They sit in an awkward silence as the popcorn begins to pop. 

Phil waits until the timer is up and he pours the bag into a bowl, grabs the tea and makes his way over to the couch. 

“Okay and finally, what mug to you want? I have way too many for one person.”

“Uh I don’t really care?”

Phil mentally hits himself, of course Dan wouldn’t know what mugs he has, he has only been here once before. 

“Oh well then it’ll be a surprise!”

He open the cupboard and takes out his favourite hello kitty mug and then the one direction mug for Dan. 

When he puts them down on the coffee table across from the couch, Dan reaches for the hello kitty mug. 

“Oh I-” Phil stops himself, it’s not important. Plus the little smile on Dan’s face as he inspects the mug makes it all worth it. 

“What?”

“Oh nothing, I just forgot the sugar. Do you like sugar in your tea?” He can’t remember what he had in his tea last time. 

“No black is good.” He is already pouring himself a full cup of tea. 

They sit in silence a little longer, it is all so familiar. The other night was the exact same, but this time Phil is going to be a little more careful. 

“So.. What’s up?” Phil hopes it sounds casual enough and not too invasive. 

“Oh, well Cory is out with the boys right now so I thought I would come over and talk with you if that’s alright?” This is the first time Dan had said Cory’s name when in private. 

“Of course it’s alright Dan.”

“I- I also wanted to apologize to you.” The statement weighs in the air for a second but Phil quickly responds,

“You already did, and I already forgave you.” He smiles. 

“I know, but I wanted to do it in person. So yeah, I’m really sorry for how I acted the other day. When I get overwhelmed I have a tendency of lashing out on others, at least that’s what my therapist says.”

Phil doesn’t know why he is somehow shocked by the fact that Dan goes to therapy. 

“Well, apology accepted. Also, you go to therapy too?” Phil takes a sip of his tea, hoping he is not overstepping. 

“Yeah, I’ve been going since I was a teenager. I guess I’ve always been a mess not just with.. him.” He chuckles slightly. Phil isn’t really sure what to say. 

“Oh, well I’ve been going for only a year or so, per my mum’s orders after I got way too over stressed from working. I only go once a month now but it really helps me.” He smiles, Dan seems to smile too as if to realize that he’s not alone. 

“I bet your job is really stressful, I couldn’t imagine doing what you do.” 

“It’s not just the videos, it’s the constant feeling that I have to deliver for my fans whether it be videos, tweets, merch or instagram posts. I actually broke down last year, which was right before I started therapy. I completely shut down, I had been working non stop on a project for three months and then the project got shut down by the company I was working with. All the while I was still filming and editing a new video every week. I had become obsessed with my work to the point that I hadn’t seen my family or friends in a month. None of my fans even knew what was going on, I never wanted to burden them with my problems. But eventually I had to stop. I had to stop filming, I took a break, I went to therapy, went back home for a while, and only went back to YouTube when I actually felt inspired. And ever since then, I’ve been way more relaxed. Of course I’m still stressed all the time, but now I know I can stop and everything will be okay.” Phil sighs, and realizes that he had been talking for the last five minutes. 

“Oh my god Dan, I’m so sorry I totally didn’t mean to tell you all of that. You don’t need to worry about me, god that was selfish.” Phil shakes his head, but when he sees Dan’s face he is smiling, and soon he is laughing. 

“Phil don’t be sorry, I can’t be the only one in this friendship that has problems.”

Phil realizes that he had been treating Dan like a broken child, when really he is just a human. He can still have fun, he can still laugh. Dan can learn to be himself around Phil, and that makes Phil feel all warm inside. 

“We can be the messed up minds club!” He laughs along with Dan. 

When Dan’s laugh subsides he says in a whisper,

“Messed up minds are more interesting anyways.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Follow me on tumblr @mukbangphillie! Please send me an ask about this fic I love talking about it like it's my baby hehe... Keep shining!


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